Authenticity and Perfectionism

This is really just me rambling about life and about how I really want authenticity to play a bigger factor in my everyday life.

Ever since quitting snapchat, I’ve been so focused on doing something for myself that I didn’t even realize a lot of the time that I had spent on snapchat automatically went to being spent on Instagram. I’m not quite yet ready to delete that app from my life yet because it’s played such a big role in connecting me with some of the most inspiring people I’ve ever met in my life. People who I look up to in their art and role models whom I hold in high regard. This post is completely inspired by lindseyrem’s youtube video talking about authenticity and perfection. And even though I don’t entirely struggle with the concept of perfection, I completely understand where she is coming from and have often thought along the same path.

Perfection is such an abstract idea because who am I to say what is perfect and what isn’t. It’s also funny because different people’s views on perfection will be completely different. For some, a messily put together outfit could be exactly the look they were going for and thus for them it’s perfect. At the same time, that same outfit to another onlooker may seem distasteful and imperfect in their eyes. Perfection is an idea that is formed from the basis of our thoughts and how much it impacts your life just depends on where you bring those thoughts to lie in your mind. The concept of perfection that I struggle with most is not exactly a physical perfection but more of an internal perfection. I want to be the most perfect version of myself towards someone that I’m meeting. For example, if I’m meeting a stranger on the street I’ll try to be my most charming and kind version of myself. But if I’m meeting a friend of a friend I’ll try to blend in with what they’re saying and doing. This is the concept of perfection that I have a difficult time with because both versions are me being myself but just putting forward my personality in a different light.

Honestly none of this may even make sense since it’s past midnight and I’m just writing most of this in bed. But a couple months ago I deleted everything off my instagram for multiple reasons but one being that I felt like I was depicting a side of my life that wasn’t really real. All my photos were heavily edited through vsco with pretty filters that made my ‘feed’ look “perfect”. Maybe that was another aspect of perfection that I really struggled with. I wanted my life to look perfect for all those who cared enough to see. But it wasn’t authentic. It was nowhere near how my life actually looked because in reality I just spent 80% of my time in bed watching Suits. That’s why I want authenticity to be such a big part of who I am. I don’t want to have to lie about my life or put together some sort of false image about who I am. I don’t want to portray only the ups of life but also be able to share the downs. (I don’t think sitting in bed eating chips and watching Suits is a down but for the metaphorical purpose, just go along with it.) I don’t need a filter to show people what an already beautiful place looks like. The whole point of instagram is being able to share moments that you have captured with those around you.

When I first started this blog, I was determined to make it look aesthetically pleasing. I wanted the filters to look right with the perfect font. But then I realized that that isn’t being authentic. Authenticity is such a big part of this ideal person that I want to become. But I’m still constantly struggling with it. I may have grasped the concept behind being this “real” person but in reality it’s really fucking hard. Any sort of behavior outside of the norm is really calling more attention to yourself. This is part of the reason why I have so much respect for certain people who are able to just do whatever they want and not give a fuck what everyone else thinks. Those are my true role models in life.

I guess the whole point of this was really to just ramble about where I stand with authenticity and perfectionism. Being a better version of myself may sound easy as hell but in reality it’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to do. Pure, raw emotion is much harder to portray than a simple edited version of the truth. Because raw emotion includes much more than just the bright sunsets and pretty lights but also when you’re feeling anxious and depressed as hell. Mental illness is so real because so many people don’t even realize they’re suffering from such things.

Really just a girl trying to be real… And some 2am. thoughts…

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